NPJ: /private/9702/

12:12 am - Miracles

At 02:10 AM 2/22/97 -0500, you wrote:
>Dear Nathan,
>
>I beleive that I have recieved this letter by accident, since it is addressed
>to Shawn. I have read the first two paragraphs, but stopped because of the
>very personal content witch is not for my viewing. Im sorry that you the
>tone of the letter is a little down, and I hope that Shawn has received the
>letter dispite the miss direction to me. Hope to see you online soon.
>
>Love,
>Chris
>
>P.S.
>Thank you very much for the complimentary membership to the GC. I'll be sure
>to check things out soon :) (Im swamped with school work :( )

Actually Chris,

I did intend for you to receive a copy of it. I hope that this letter finds you ready for a good hard night's rest -- and by that I mean one where you are just knocked out and sleeping. I always hate having the flu, and the best remedy is lots of sleep, gallons of cold water, and frequent trips to the restroom. A few tanned hunks around to feed you grapes and fan you to keep the fever down also helps, but alas we no longer live in a world where having house boys around is considered acceptable. Feel Better!

Take care,

Nathan

8:10 am - Noon Today?

Hi John,

Aaron mentioned yesterday that you would be at the computer room around noon and that I could stop in to pick-up the Linux box. I have to meet Vince for lunch down at the Macaroni Grill in Cherry Creek at 1pm so I don't know how well I'll be able to stop at the computer room.

If it is possible to come up earlier, great, otherwise can we get together on Monday? This may work better anyway as I'll be getting the remaining DSF codes to re-program ICVerify with the new merchant information, so I'll need to stop at the computer room anyway.

Thank you,

Nathan

8:53 am - Re: Mozart in the Morning

At 07:34 AM 2/22/97 -0800, you wrote:
>Nathan..
>
>I do not know who sent you that letter. Nor do I care. I do not know if that
>was the reason you chosse to say what you did before or what. but.. I have
>done what I said I would do. I sent you my Id. I will not do anything more.
>I do not know if you sent your self that letter or what. Again I do not
>care. Trust this. I will not. The only other person who would think such a
>stupid lie is a dude, named shane. That is because he wanted to date, and I
>did not, So, I sent Elliot to do all the work and tell him I was not
>interested.. That is all.. do with that what you will.. you have my id.. and
>you know that is my id. And i will not do more.. Hey.. Call Kinkos in Santa
>Ana..on bristol.. and ask who had the Id scanned...!!!!!!!!ASKED THEM or if
>you want.. I will have them call you myself.. I will go there and have them
>call you myself!! if you would prefer. I am done with all of this.. it gets
>old ...

Shawn,

I'm on IRC, what if you stop in? It's about 9am here (8am there).

Nate

9:06 am - Re: Mozart in the Morning

Shawn,

And thank you for responding to it. It wasn't a letter that I wrote to myself, it was one that someone sent me, and his name was Shane. It bothered me because he used your cafe username "Wpolo" (Which you also use on IRC, so I suppose that he knew you spent time there) as a reference in the subject line.

I didn't want to receive it yesterday, so I sent it back to him saying thank you, but questioning how it was that he knows this. He also said that he was a USC Alumnus -- so I suppose that he is older than you are.

You said that "I sent you my Id. I will not do anything more." I want you to know that if you *ever* asked me for anything like that, I would provide it you in triplicate each by FAX, by FedEx, in Person, and by carrier piegon if I could find one. =) I want you to know *anything* about me. I also want to be able to participate in your life, but I can't let myself in -- you have to do that, and it has to be at your pace.

I also don't think that you are black. Although the photo on your student ID was so dark that I couldn't see it, there were enough white dots that when I held it at arms length I could make out that chin of yours. :) I forward my e-mail on to you so that you can read it and participate in what's going on. That's all. If you don't want me to send you copies of things that have to do with you, then please tell me.

What if you give me a call today? I have a lunch apointment around noon, and I promised Kevin's father that I would take him to the Emperor of China Museum exhibit today.

*hug*

Nathan

9:11 am - Re: Your personal ad for "Wpolo"

At 07:41 AM 2/22/97 -0800, you wrote:
>I just got you flowers today from my friends house last night. I would like
>to thank you for that first.
>I will be moving back to my families house soon in newport beach. right now
>I think that would be better.
>now.. for your letter... Do whatever you think is and would be best.. Once
>you decided again.. to do whatever, and you see once again that you have
>been proven wrong. I will be very upset. But, do what you need to do...
>
>Thank you for your concern..
>Shawn

*sigh*

Dear, I don't want to make you cry. Your sister just called me, and said that you were wild. Damnit, there isn't anything that I can do for you when I'm a thousand miles away Shawn. You won't call me, but at least you're writing to me still. Christ, how many times do I have to tell you that I want you in my life???

Cry. Let it out. But don't forget that I'm still the same person that you met a year ago -- and I don't think of you any less than the morning when you first wrote me on IRC to ask if I was the same Nathan that knew Shane. I am. You are. So please don't forget that I'm yours for the taking.

9:27 am - Re: Noon Today?

At 09:31 AM 2/22/97 -0700, you wrote:
>earlier is OK - will be in Greeley Mon.

How about 10:30 or so?

I'll hop in the shower now .. and I need to fuel the car. :)

9:57 am - Saturday The 22nd

Shawn,

I'm leaving now .. I have a 10:30 appointment to pick up a server in Boulder, then I have to stop by my parents to pick up a few thousand to pay my bills, and then I'm off to lunch in Cherry Creek.

I may be going with Kevin's Dad to the Museum this afternoon, but you're welcome to call me anytime on the toll free number.

Love you, (glad you got the flowers)

Nathan

9:53 pm - Hey Driver, Where we goin'!?

At 12:56 PM 2/22/97 -0800, you wrote:
>
>>You said that "I sent you my Id. I will not do anything more." I want you
>>to know that if you *ever* asked me for anything like that, I would provide
>>it you in triplicate each by FAX, by FedEx, in Person, and by carrier piegon
>>if I could find one. =) I want you to know *anything* about me. I also
>>want to be able to participate in your life, but I can't let myself in --
>>you have to do that, and it has to be at your pace.
>>
>The difference is .. That I dont care. I love you.. no matter what.. .. I am
>really tired of this. I just wanted what was in your heart.. That is it. I
>do not care if you were in Hillside Stangerler. I have or did get to know
>the person inside. that is and was it.
>This whole thing is making me very ill.. I am getting stress and I can not
>deal with this any longer.. It hurts to much. My family is starting to ask
>questions. of what is going on. And I do not need that. when I got home. I
>saw that my sister had gone through my email and she admitted to it. She
>also told me that she talked to you!! this also does not make me feel well
>at all. You are someone that I know, not my family. This makes me very
>upset with her. Not you, because she went through my phone book and called
>you without my permission. She feels that she thought I was hurting. This is
>my problem.. not hers.. I do not need her to defend me. Or to verify
>anything to you. If you choose not to help me then Nathan that is fine. I
>can understand. YOu have to do what you feel is right in your heart. Love in
>my definition is alot different than yours. I do not care about anything but
>what is in your heart. YOu could look like a pile of shit. but.. What is in
>the inside you is what counts.. And that goes for everyone. YOu should want
>to help people because you can. and because you want to.. that is and should
>be in everyones heart. As you can tell, I have gone this morning and had a
>talk with a pastor. So. I know what I am saying to be true. I know that you
>are a good person inside. I am going through a lot of things in my life. I
>am dealing with a lot of hard things that I need to work out. In doing so, I
>realize what things are important to me. Friends, and people and helping
>others should be. Loving others for nothing more than who they are inside is
>important. YOu know, yesterday I met a man in a wheelchair who could not
>talk. Only point to words that he wanted to say on this chair board. He
>asked me if i wanted to be his friend. I said yes. This is me. This is me
>who i love. I like this man because of who he was in his heart. nothing
>more. I know a lot of people would have just turned there back on this
>person because he just does not look the way people want him to... I guess
>what I am saying.. If you want me because of what I look like ... Well..
>nathan.. I am going to die soon. I know this, this is true. it may not be
>tomr. it may not be next week or year. But.. I will live and love life for
>who I am, and I will give my love to people because I love who they are, and
>are only.. which is the reason I do not investagate you or your company..and
>do trust me I could do that.. But.. that is not important.. what is is who
>you were to me on the inside..
>I know what my sister said to you.. She should not have. Again.. I do not
>need her to do what she did.. If i am hispanic .. Asian or Black or white..
>it should not matter.. You need to love me for me.. But,, I guess again it
>is too late.. She has already told you.. But.. Think about why you love
>someone.. I will get ugly because of what I have.. That does not bother me..
>But.. I know, until then.. I want someone who loves me for me.. Do i think
>you do.. nope.. I do not.. I am going back to church now.. Do what you feel
>is right.. Again.. You have succeed in hurting me more than you will ever
>know.. I just do not need this......I want to fall out of love with you.. I
>may or may not.. I will not say, that I will stop living because of what you
>say or do, and I will not say that I will or would forgive you, but I can
>say that I do really do love you.. I want to stop.. Do what you feel is
>right.. What ever that may do. But.. think about who will be hurt in the
>long run.. I will not go through this any longer.
>Also.. again.. call Kinkos.. if you need more proof man.. Hell man.. you
>already talked to my sister.. which i cannot belive!!
>when you try and suprise me before you come.. I suggest you let me know
>when. You need to know where my family lives.. not my friends..and I WILL..
>give you the address.. promise.
>
>Take care Nathan..

Today was a long and fun day (on the outside at least.) Tonight wasn't as much fun. I told you that I was leaving this morning for my appointments. I spent about two hours in the car driving from one end of the city to the other, racing into one appointment and out of another. The day started to wind down when I took three friends and their kids with me to the Museum of Natural History. We visited the Emperor of China Exhibit, and then watched the IMAX movie "Destiny in Space." It was all "free," because I've donated several thousand dollars to the museum.

My evening started at seven o'clock. I was on my way back home when I didn't feel like going home because I didn't know if you would have written back or called, and I just didn't want to know that I had destroyed something in my life -- I hope you KNOW that I never wanted to hurt you Shawn, I didn't know how delicate you are, and I'm sorry that my past couple of weeks hasn't been cherry with you -- but I apologize -- and I didn't want to come home to nothing ... since that's what I come home to every night without you.

I went to The Grand. It's the classiest gay bar in town, and I'd never been before. My friend Tim told me about it once, and tonight I decided to go. When I parked my car, I pulled my soft brown leather jacked over my shoulders and buttoned it around my waist. The bar was open, had a nice atmosphere, and there was an open table near the back by the piano. I took off my jacket, folded it in half, and laid it on one of the chair cushions. A short trip to the restroom and I was at the bar inquiring about the Merlot selection. They had three, so I asked that one be selected for me. I already had one bottle at lunch with Vince and his son Matt. It was a 1994 Columbia Valley Merlot, costing six dollars. I took my glass, grabbed a copy of the local gay magazine, and walked back to my table. As I sat and read, I noticed a very attractive black man sit at the table next to me. He drank his beer and glanced around. No one talked to him, and he didn't look like he was waiting for anyone. He stood up to use the restroom and I smiled at him, and motioned to a chair at my table. He wasn't paying attention. I noticed that he was the only black man in the bar.

He finished his beer and left shortly after returning from the restroom. His back was to me the entire time. As I sipped at my Merlot, I noticed someone else a few tables away, about my age, with his nose tucked in the safety net of the gay newspaper. I watched him for a while, and thought about you. How much I wished that I wasn't sitting here alone, and how many things had happened in the past week. There were twenty seven people in that room ... and as I watched each one of them talk, laugh, smile, hide, and wave their hands about for attention, it occurred to me just how short a mans' life is. What a pity that in a hundred years time none of us will be around. The boy that was reading his paper glanced at me, and I smiled. He stared for a moment, and then took a drink. I took a drink, and then looked away. I didn't come here to find a date. I came to have a glass of Merlot, not study the interactions of people who are afraid to take the risk of a simple "Hello."

I left the bar about 8:30 ... only having one glass of my favorite wine. On the way home, I drove fast, experiencing the joy of my car. About five blocks from my apartment, I was stopped at a light in the far left lane behind a blue Dodge Daytona Shelby Edition, in the center lane was a Crown Victrola with four adults in it, and in the far right lane were three teenage boys in a souped up black mustang. The light changed green and the race was on. I was listening to track 15 of my James Bond CD, which happened to start off "Hay Driver?? Where we goin'?" The Daytona pulled away, and I was right behind him .. the car in the center lane was still at the light, and the Mustang was off to my right. I pushed the gas pedal down and flipped my turn signal, blasting in between both of them as though they were standing still. I had the sun roof open, so I could hear the engines of those to beasts battling with one another as I sped past them without effort. I attained a speed of 86 miles per hour, and reaching far enough ahead that I could change into the far right hand lane, signal, and turn at the light as though I was doing twenty the entire time.

Your sister was very polite on the telephone. She identified herself as "Shawn's Sister" and asked what the matter was. I told here that I didn't know. She explained that you just left the house screaming and were quite upset. Then she asked, "You think he's BLACK?" I responded, "No, I don't think he's black. Someone named Shane sent me a note saying that and I passed it along to Shawn asking what he thought about it." She said, "Oh. Well, he's as white as white can get." And I just kept quiet. I didn't know what she knew about you or me or anything. I asked how you were, and she said that you had just left. I sighed, and said that I cared about you very much, and that I wished I could be more involved in your life, but that I feel very confused and powerless to do anything. I also explained that I copy my letters to you when they have something to do with you, or may be of interest. She seemed to understand, and said that she was going to go and find you and have you call me. I told her that I assumed she had my phone number and name, and that she could call me back if she wished. It was a good conversation, and neither one of us revealed that much. I didn't ask, and she didn't ask. I think that both of us were just concerned about you and the fact that you don't open up and talk to anyone fully. Although, I'd say that you talk to me more than anyone else, I still feel like I'm just wading through your surface.

I am not interested in dating what's outside of you. And you should also know that if you let me into your life, and keep me around you, that you're not going to die of AIDS or HIV. This disease can be managed, although it's costly and requires a 24-hour-a-day routine, I don't mind being the one to stand with you during it -- I've fallen in love with you -- even if I was concerned about who you are for a while -- that doesn't change my feelings for Shawn. It would make me very happy to be able to take care of you Shawn ... and I mean that in the sense that I want to be with YOU --- next to you, around you from day to day -- I'm not afraid of the disease, or what you think it's going to do to you -- I've fought many things in my life, and I've always known that I would be called upon to work a miracle in the life of someone else. I used to think that this meant what I was doing with The Gay Cafe, and all the letters that I write and the people that I talk to -- granted, I've changed the lives of hundreds and even thousands of people for the better -- but I haven't loved any of them as though they were the most important thing in my life. We found each other for a reason, and I'm not willing to believe that it was so we would do what we're doing now, and that's being distant. If you believe in something, then believe that the two of us are meant to be.

What's in my heart is the ability to think, act, and create. Love is something I reserve for my most passionate pursuits, and it has been taken from me three times. I've got so much emotion pent up inside of me that if I were to ever let it all out it would be like dropping an atomic bomb on the island of Manhattan. For over 14 years my life has been hidden from the view of others, kept a secret, and buried deep within my mind. I made a decision two years ago to start to let it out, and while on the surface I've done a remarkable job, I'm still not convinced that I'm done. I've told you this before, and whether you choose to accept it or not, I need you. I want to be "the man" in your life. To me, you are the one that I can focus all of my energy and time into, an investment that benefits each of us.

I don't cry, but tonight, pleading like this with you, I've got tears in my eyes. I don't want to keep wondering if what I'm doing is right -- I want to know, and I want to do it all with you. I don't care about my "career" or how successful I'll be ... those are things that I can do over and over and over until I die, but you, YOU are not something that I can just DO ... I can't create a Shawn ... I can only hope to have the privilege of finding him, and letting him allow me to be with him.

I feel like a fool right now, so I'm going to go. I love you, and I hope you love me too.

Nathan

p.s. While we tell each other to "Take Care" all the time, I wonder if either of us realizes just what that means ... If it's anything like what I've been doing for the past 12 years, then I don't want to "take care" anymore. I want something else. Please, I beg of you, to call me tonight and give me the number where you're at so that I can call you and we can talk again ... please.

9:53 pm - My Nerves Start to Show

At 01:00 PM 2/22/97 -0800, you wrote:
>if.. i were not soo in love with you man.. i would not go through this.. and
>i shall not anymore.. I love you too much .and it hurts.. today man.. wil
>lbe the last time i cry or freak out over you man.. I need someone who love
>me.. Inside.. only man.. I will stop crying man. i promis yoyou that.. i can
>not belive i feel in love with you.. I am going away for a while man.. I
>hope you find what ou need in love.. i thiank you anm...
>later
>shaw n,s

If you go away, then I want you to know that you'll think about me every day -- every night, where ever you are, while you lay in bed and try to sleep, you will think about me -- because I'll tell you, *that's* what I've been doing about you for a FUCKING year!! ... I wasn't able to handle the fact that you were *real* Shawn - and I did everything I could to prove that you were just another Internet fantast behind a computer screen, but it isn't true this time -- you showed that you were something grand and wonderful, and you are -- I've always proven myself to everyone, showing them that I exist and that I'm not kidding about who I am or what I do in life -- so it is hard to just accept that you are out there and that you're someone like me. I need to accept that you're real, and not just someone that I dream about. Damn, I've spent so many hours and days thinking about you that I feel like I'm eighty and we have grown old together.

You're kidding yourself if you don't think that you're present in every aspect of my life -- on the computer that I look at, on the letters that I write, in the conversation that I have with my friends and family, to the people next to me on the plane, to the clerk at the bank counter ... even if the Shawn that I talk to goes away, the Shawn in my memories will live forever, and there isn't a thing that he can do to take those with him.

Where ever you go, no matter for how long, remember me, and know that you can always find me if you wish ... I'm not going to dissapear out of your life. I haven't spent this much time thinking about you to just let you go, and you shouldn't even consider doing it.

And wishing that I: "find what you need in love" is bullshit -- I didn't have to find it, *HE* found me, and I'm talking to him right now, his name is Shawn, and I'm not going to give up on him. I pour myself into every word of every letter that I send to you -- in every sentence that I speak to you on the phone, or write to you by hand on paper -- in every intention and hope when I'm on an airplane bound for California -- What more do I have to do to make you realize that I'm not kidding???

9:58 pm - Re: <no subject>

At 03:42 PM 2/22/97 +0000, you wrote:
>Nathans, how old are you?. Do you go to school? Daniel

I'm 21, and I've dropped out of college twice.

Nathan

10:00 pm - Re: You're Cute!

At 09:09 PM 2/22/97 -0500, you wrote:
>Nathan,
>
>you look very nice dressed up. Do you ever get out to Massachusetts, if so
>let me know..
>
>Guy

Thank you. I often visit Boston, and enjoy Provincetown during the late summer. I'll try to keep you in mind the next time I'm in the state. :)

Thank you again for the compliments on my photo.

Nathan

10:05 pm - Re: what did i get for my five bucks?

At 08:04 PM 2/22/97 -0500, you wrote:
>Nathan,
>I was very amused by your sarcastic remarks and I deserved all of them!
>Thank you for your help and generous extension of my trial subscription.
>I am sure the, "40 cafe coins", will also be most appreciated!
>Yes, I have been "taken" before, however, allow me to apologize
>for venting my past frustrations out on you.
>
>Please be sure to extend my trial period for one month as stated in your
>reply.
>"Expires: Sat Mar 1 00:24:34 1997", looks like I only have six days to
>fully examine your web site.
>If this date was the previous expiration or I am once again in error,
>please accept this letter as a very gracious thank you.
>Sincerely,

I'm happy that you were amused by my sarcasm. Please understand that it gets to be awful frustrating to have to answer message after message of people thinking that I'm some kind of crook when in reality they're getting a terrific deal from someone who is genuinely interested in them receiving value out of what they've paid for. It takes a lot of patience to restrain from verbally ripping someone's head off, so I apologize if my last reply was less than courteous.

You are correct that the March 1st expiration date isn't valid. You have 30 days left from yesterday, in addition to the extra coins that I gave you, left on your account. :) Enjoy.

Nathan Johansen
International Cafe, Inc.

10:16 pm - Merlot at The Grand

Dear Tim,

My evening started at seven o'clock. I was on my way back from the Denver Museum of Natural History when I decided that I wasn't ready to go home.

I went to The Grand. It's the classiest gay bar in town, and I'd never been before. You told me about it once, and tonight I wanted to go. When I parked my car, I pulled my soft brown leather jacked over my shoulders and buttoned it around my waist. The bar was open, inside was a nice atmosphere, and there was an empty table near the back by the piano. I took off my jacket, folded it in half, and laid it on one of the chair cushions. A short trip to the restroom and I was at the bar inquiring about the selection of Merlot. They had three, so I asked for the bartender to choose one for me. I already had one bottle during lunch with Vince and his son Matt at the Macaroni Grill in Cherry Creek.

This was a 1994 Columbia Valley Merlot which cost six dollars. I took my glass, grabbed a copy of the local gay magazine, and walked back to my table. As I sat and read, I noticed a very attractive black man sit at the table next to me. He drank his beer and glanced around. No one talked to him, and he didn't look like he was waiting for anyone. He stood up to use the restroom and I smiled at him, and motioned to a chair at my table. He wasn't paying attention. I noticed that he was the only black man in the bar.

He finished his beer and left shortly after returning from the restroom. His back was to me the entire time. As I sipped at my Merlot, I noticed someone else a few tables away, about my age, with his nose tucked in the safety net of the gay newspaper. I watched him for a while, and thought about Shawn. How much I wished that I wasn't sitting here alone, and reflecting on the many things that had happened in the past week. There were twenty seven people in that room ... and as I watched each one of them talk, laugh, smile, hide, and wave their hands about for attention, it occurred to me just how short a mans' life is. What a pity that in a hundred years time none of us will be around.

The boy that was reading his paper glanced at me, and I smiled. He stared for a moment, and then took a drink. I took a drink, and then looked away. I didn't come here to find a date. I came to have a glass of Merlot, not study the interactions of people who are afraid to take the risk of a simple "Hello."

I left the bar about 8:30 ... only having one glass of wine. On the way home, I drove fast, relishing the joy of my car. About five blocks from my apartment, I was stopped at a light in the far left lane behind a blue Dodge Daytona with a guy and his girlfriend, in the center lane was a Crown Victrola with four adults in it, and in the far right lane were three teenage boys in a souped up black Mustang. The light changed green and the race was on. I was listening to track 15 of my James Bond CD, which happened to start off "Hay Driver?? Where we goin'?" The Daytona pulled away, and I was right behind him .. the car in the center lane was still at the light, and the Mustang was off to my right. I pushed the gas pedal down and flipped my turn signal, blasting between both of them as though they were standing still. I had the sun roof open, so I could hear the engines of those two beasts battling with one another as I sped past them without effort. I attained a speed of 86 miles per hour, and reached far enough ahead that I could signal, change into the far right hand lane, and turn at the light as though I was doing twenty the entire time.

So, thank you for The Grand. :) Perhaps sometime you can give me the privilege of inviting you and D there.

Nathan

11:15 pm - Sprint Link Down?

I was just wondering if there were problems with Sprink Link again. I haven't been able to get into the Cafe for the past few hours, and my last e-mail from the site was around 2:30 ...

Saturday and Sunday are usually good "bread and butter" days, so it's a shame to lose access during this time.

Thanks for the coffee and conversation this morning.

Nathan

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Last updated: 1:13 MST 3/1/97
Nathan Johansen - nathan@npj.com