NPJ: /private/9702/

9:13 am - "Morning Matt"

Just thought I'd say hello. My, how life changes. :)

Nathan

9:16 am - "Happy Thursday!"

I can't believe that it is already Thursday ... Where does the time go??

How goes life?

Nate

9:36 am - "Merlot in the Morning"

Shawn,

I was just thinking of you, and wanted to say hello.

Did you get something yesterday at the 3031 address?

Nathan

2:07 pm - "Thanks for Calling"

Hi Dane,

The system timed out while it was trying to process your credit card. I corrected it, and your account should now be active with the following details:

Expires: Wed Apr 23 14:56:47 1997

Please forgive my manners on the telephone. It's snowing outside, and I was walking up the stairs with a handfull of grocery bags in one hand and a pile of mail in the other. The phone was in my back pocket, so besides being out of breath and colder than hell, I wasn't quite up to my usual level of helpful customer service. :)

Enjoy your account, and please let me know if there is anything else that I can do.

Nathan Johansen
International Cafe, Inc.

3:44 pm - "Re: Gosh!"

At 04:22 PM 2/19/97 -0800, you wrote:
>Hi!
>
>Marc here, read your open letter in the gay-net usegroup, and felt
>I had to write to express my respect for what you have done & been
>through. I wish I had had the strength to "come out" a good few years
>before I did, and perhaps saved a lot of pain in the process. (Then
>again, ALL experiences mould you into the person you are, good or bad,
>and it may be wrong to wish to alter the past...)
>
>In any case, bravo!
>
>Marc.

Hi Marc,

Thank you very much for taking a moment to reply. I'm happy that you enjoyed my Coming Out letter. I also have to agree with you that even though it was a trial to go through, it was well worth it in retrospect. All of us have to face reality sooner or later, and I'm fortunate enough to have done it pretty early on in life.

I also apologize for the delay in responding to your note, my e-mail has been acting up recently. :)

Take care,

Nathan Johansen

3:44 pm - "Re: Coming out."

At 09:17 AM 2/19/97 UT, you wrote:
>I have a real problem. I'm gay. And I've had these feelings for a coupla
>years now. I I'm afraid of what my parents will say about it. And I'm also
>worried about my relationship with my roomate. We've been best friends for a
>few years now and I'm starting to develope a very strong attraction to him. I
>really don't know what to do. Should I tell him? Should I hold somethings
>back if I do. Its really tearing me apart. I'm afraid to say anything about
>it but I hate hiding it. What do you suggest?
>
>
>-D

Hi D-

When I was in college during the Spring of 1994 I remember how much I was wishing that my roommate and I could do more than just share living space. Needless to say, he was hopelessly straight -- but that didn't keep me from admiring his well defined wrestler body.

However, I think what you're after isn't so much someone to look at, but someone that you can express all of your thoughts and concerns to. The first person that I told was my best friend Matt. We were in the car, going to pick up someone after a day at the museum of Natural History. I had determined that Today would be the day that I told Matt, and it was important that I do it now because he was leaving for the military soon, so I wouldn't have this opportunity again. Amazing what you do when you know that time is of the essence and you may not get a second chance.

It was just tossed out in the middle of our conversation. I was complaining that I didn't like this guy that we were going to pick up, calling him a "skinny twerp" and a "whining faggot." Well, Matt told me that if I didn't want to go then he could take my complaining ass back home (I had been drinking that afternoon, intentionally, I was hoping it would help ease my nerves enough to not worry about what Matt would say when I told him.) I look at him and said that if he took me home, I'd just call my boyfriend and talk to him for the rest of the afternoon. Matt looked back and said, "You're boyfriend? You've got a boyfriend? You mean that you've been holding out on me!? What's his name?"

I laughed and asked, "Which one?"

I wasn't prepared for the sensation of freedom that came after that moment. I realized that from here on out, I could tell Matt about all of my life, even the most "secretive" parts of it, and he would not only listen, but would still be my friend afterwards. The next day, I told my cousin Steven while we were stretched out on the waterbed in his room reading past issues of Playboy. His biggest concern was that I was paying attention to my health, I suppose he assumed that just because you were gay automatically meant that you had AIDS or HIV. I assured him that I was quite versed in the particulars of protected sex, and thanked him for his concern. Over time, he became a really great guy, still letting me sleep in the same bed with him, and still changing his clothes while I was around. He is a very attractive guy (right now he's in Antarctica, and he hasn't said a word to me since I sponsored a going away party for him. Apparently I pissed him off, and he went off and told the rest of the family that I was gay -- there were only a few left -- but they were the ones that had kids, so I've since been "banished" from their lives.)

The next day, I told my high school sweetheart, Kim. She and I met at The Westin hotel in downtown Denver, drank a few ginger ales and smoked a few of those very slim menthol cigarettes. It was easy to tell her, because she wanted to tell me that she thought that after her year in the Virgin Islands and things that she had done there, that she was a lesbian. (Kim is happily sporting a rotating boyfriend system now comprising of three guys, so I would say that her libido is back in operation for guys more than girls.) I laughed and told her that I was gay. That was almost three years ago, and now Kim lives in my apartment with me.

By this time, I was not only gaining courage to tell other people about my private life, but I also got to the point that I wanted everyone to be able to know any part of my life. I've always been very honest, and taken pride in my integrity, so the only skeleton that I had in my closet was the closet itself. Once I was out, there wasn't anything left in my life anymore that was private. Now, this doesn't mean that every guy who is gay and comes out relinquishes his right to a private life and things that only he knows, it's just that I made a decision to put it all out, in the hopes that other people would benefit from me sharing my experiences with them so openly.

The nice thing about this, is it means that I can't hide anything anymore. Well, I suppose I could, but I don't want to. The freedom to be able to do or say whatever you wish to who ever you want is a powerful thing. It doesn't happen overnight, and you have to make sure that you are respectful, polite, and courteous when you are talking with someone else. The only way to start is to tell someone, and I think that the first person you need to tell is yourself. YOU have to be comfortable (read: joyous) about who you are and what you desire in life. Once you have that (meaning that, no matter what anyone else tells you, you still do what is important to YOU so that you'll never look back on life and feel remorse for not having done the things that you wanted) you're free to do just about anything.

Give yourself about a year of being out before you tell your parents. This way you'll have a group of people that you can count on to be there for you if your parent's don't take it to well. And if they do, then start introducing them to your friends. Mine are some of the coolest parents you could imagine. I remember listening to them say horrible things about gays when I was growing up, but after I told them I was gay, they've had to stop and reevaluate their entire position on it. Interestingly enough, they really don't hate gays, it's just what they were raised to say and act like. Being able to show them that not everyone deserves that kind of hatred by default was a triumph. It is possible to change how people think, and the best way is to give them an opportunity to evaluate their thoughts. As far as being gay goes, if they think you're terrific before they know, then they had better think the same thing after they know.

=)

You'll have to keep me posted on how things turn out,

Take care,

Nathan

3:44 pm - "Re: Your service"

At 12:13 AM 2/19/97 -0600, you wrote:
>Nathan Johansen wrote:
>>
>> Hi Ken,
>>
>> Thank you for your $50.00 One Year membership. I am concerned, however,
>> because I think that I haven't been clear in pointing out how you can take
>> full advantage of the photos that are available here.
>> etc.
>
>Nathan:
> Thank you for your most thoughtful and pleasant response. I was
>surprised and delighted to even receive a reply; it has been my
>experience that one doesn't get a response at all (that is based on an N
>of 2 times in the past 2 years when I have complained about poor
>service on the Web.
>
>I think I will like your service. You have the best library of fiction
>on the WWW. However, the photos I was able to see (page one) were the
>usual California buffed defined muscles (with 2 or 3 exceptions) that
>can be found anywhere. Gay erotic photos in the US (and sadly rapidly
>becoming the same in Europe) seem to be of the same category as that of
>the unrealistic "airbrushed" female models in straight publications such
>as in Play-boy magazine. An ideal is being held out to us which few of
>us ever encounter in life. All human males are not buffed from exercise,
>steroids, and high protein diets. An exception to this is the increase
>of interest in "Bears", those older guys who develop those large
>pre-stroke and pre myocardial infarct bellies who have much hair.
>
>I really believe that I am not the only gay male who appreciates guys
>who are "average" to skinny who have not had penile surgery at birth.
>One of the most erotic (to me) photos I have ever seen was a skinny
>smooth late-forties guy with an uncut erection. I realise that there are
>not many of us mature guys that still do not have enlarged bellies;
>perhaps that is why it was so erotic to me. The thin models are usually
>younger and thus that is what those like me are left with (nothing wrong
>with that though). However, when I travel in other countries I do see
>guys that are not plump to overweight. It seems to be a North American
>phenomenon, but also to some extent in southern Europe; Australians are
>also much like North American males.---our over-abundance of food--?
>
>While I have your ear, I also found trouble getting my name and password
>accepted; after putting the same in 4 times it was finally accepted?
>Also, download is a bit slow and I suspect that as you grow more
>popular, that will get worse?
>
>Anyway, thanks for your response. I was indeed impressed by your story.
>If more of us had the courage and forthrightness as you apparently
>possess perhaps our "cause" would be heard. With your skills I believe
>that you will be quite successful in any endeavor. I do hope that you
>will take full advantage of your writing talents and perhaps become the
>Chris Isherwood of this generation.
>
>Thanks,
>
>Ken

Hi Ken,

I apologize for the delay in responding to your fantastic note. I understand exactly what kind of photos you're after, and I admit that they are almost impossible to come by without getting into the guys who have extremely large stomachs. None the less, I've asked a few of my photographer friends if they know where I can get material like that, and the response has been somewhat of a mystery. For some reason, people can't understand *why* anyone would want photos of mature men instead of young hunks. I'm certain that as I get older, my tastes will change, and I'll be looking for something that fits more closely to my own generation.

As to your username and password not working, it is important that you type them exactly as they appear in your Cafe Receipt. Lowercase letters must be in _lowercase_ and uppercase letters in UPPERCASE. Failure to type them correctly will result in an error. As for the speed of the server, my site is on a very fast set of connectivity. If you are encountering access problems, it is likely due to a bad routing connection between your ISP and my site. If the problems persist, please let me know and I'll offer alternative suggestions. The time of the day when there are the fewest people using the site is from about 12am to 8am Mountain Time. Just yesterday I had someone from Chile write to tell me how fast and impressive he found the site to be, and even when I'm in Europe I find that the site is very fast, so I would say that the access delays are near your end. If you would like a good ISP, I recommend the IBM Global Network. Visit their web site at http://www.ibm.net/

Thank you for your additional compliments on my story and character. I appreciate them, and can assure you that such statements do a lot to keep me motivated throughout the day. Christopher Isherwood was a wonderful author, and I admit that I haven't taken the time to dive into his memoirs, but I have had an opportunity to read pieces from his notes on Hollywood actors and film making. His ability to recount events was captivating, and I aspire to have a similar talent -- however this means that I need to continue to experience things that people are interested in knowing about. =)

Take care,

Nathan

3:44 pm - "Re: lonely nights"

At 09:19 PM 2/18/97 -0600, you wrote:
>I'm sitting here wondering why I didn't gop to the big city and have
>sonme live action. Is anyone out there woh would like to chat ?

Whether the city that you live in is big or small,
The people that you will be able to meet are
Only limited by your willingness to find them
And let them know that you're interested.

Hang in there, and I encourage you to be bold from time to time. Find someone that you enjoy spending time with, and pursue them. Being alone isn't always as much fun as some people think. :)

Also, a quick lay or someone to sleep with that isn't there the next day does little for your self-esteem. Especially in this day and age, I recommend that if you want to satisfy your craving for action, that you simply use your hand instead of finding some strange guy to take home. You'll be having safe sex, and besides, I doubt that you can find anything that fits as well as your hand.

I apologize for the delay in responding to your note.

Nathan Johansen
International Cafe, Inc.

4:23 pm - "Re: Your Internet Home Page"

At 12:56 PM 2/19/97 -0700, you wrote:
>Hi, I saw your site at http://www.gaycafe.com/preview/,
>it looks good. You can register it in over 400 Internet
>indexes and directories for $249.00 at http://www.CentralRegistry.com/
>I used it for my site and it worked great, traffic soared!
>
>
>Rusty

Thank you Rusty.

Nathan

4:23 pm - "RE: "

At 11:20 PM 2/18/97 UT, you wrote:
>Had to compliment you on your taste. I saw your lover's picture on the Cafe
>page and he is very attractive. You guys make a good looking couple. It's
>really cool of you to help out your friend like that.

Thank you, Bobby.

Nathan

4:23 pm - "Re: It's Just me......"

At 10:44 PM 2/18/97 -0500, you wrote:
>Nathan,
>
>Thanks for the quick response. No I don't think you are self centeredt or
>any of that..........you are just an honest person who is not afraid to
>express his true feelings or experiences. I am much the same way. I am who
>I am and don't care to change just to please others. Or to put it
>simply.....It's just me......
>
>I will send you a picture I am getting my best friend to take some new pics
>of me this weekend. I should be able to send it to you the first part of
>next week. That way you will at least have a face to put to the words. That
>seemed to make your words come to life even more when I saw yorur picture on
>your web page. I went back and read you page a second time after seeing your
>face. It seemed like the words had more meaning.
>
>It is very nice to finally meet someone like you on the net. A person who is
>not afraid to speak the truth. Very much the way that I am. You are right I
>am the type of person that deals with other's problems much easier than my
>own. However, I have learned to handle my problem much better than I once
>did. Things just don't seem to bother me much any more. That is not to say
>that I don't get concerned. I just know how to handle things. I also know
>that there are certain things that happen that I do not have control
>over.........why worry about these things??? Life is too short to be worried
>by the simple things in life or things that are out of your control. The
>people that I work with can't seem to understand how I manage to always stay
>upbeat. I do though. I am a very outgoing and happy person.......I seem to
>have what it takes to keep myself going and others tend to draw from that. I
>guess it all just comes natural.
>
>Well, I guess I have rambled on enough for now. Keep in touch and I'll do
>the same. You are a good person to have as a friend.
>
>Take care,
>
>James

Hi James,

Sorry for the delay in responding. :) Thank you for taking so much time to reply to that last note. When your friend gets those scanned, I'd be thrilled to have a copy. Perhaps you can write again and we'll stay in touch.

Nathan

4:48 pm - "Re: Server error"

At 08:28 PM 2/19/97 +0100, you wrote:
>I'm getting a server error in attempting to access the galleries.

Make sure that you're accessing the Photos from the correct server. It sounds like you may be trying to use the secure server to get to the photos. The correct URL is:

http://www.gaycafe.com/photos/index.html

Also, make sure that you're typing your username and password correctly. They are case sensitive, so you should check your Cafe Receipt and make sure that you're typing lowercase letters in _lowercase_ and uppercase letters in UPPERCASE.

If you continue to have difficulties, please let me know. I apologize for the delay in responding to your message.

Nathan Johansen
International Cafe, Inc.

4:49 pm - "Re: thanks"

At 08:30 PM 2/19/97 +0000, you wrote:
>just a short note to say thanks for a great site. I am a member and I
>visit just about every day. I like the concept of the magazine offer,
>since I have many coins to use. Again, keep up the great work.
>
>Bill

Hi Bill,

Thank you for your comments. Response to the "Magazine" concept has been mixed. With most people complaining that they have to "pay" for the photos in the first place, they usually complain some more that they have to buy 20-25 of them at a time.

It's refreshing to have someone say that they like this method. :) I think that what I'll do it make it so that people are free to browse the magazines, taking images one at a time, or choosing to buy all of them if they wish. This will work well as I add more magazines that aren't such a mix of models, but rather of one or two models only.

If you have any other ideas or suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them. I apologize for the delay in responding to your message. Thank you for taking a moment to write, and I'm happy that you are enjoying the site.

Nathan Johansen
International Cafe, Inc.

4:49 pm - "Re: Selling Rights"

At 07:37 PM 2/19/97 -0800, you wrote:
>Nathan.
>
>It has been a pleasure getting aquatinted with your web sites. Which leads me
>to the purpose of this e-mail. I am a gay video producer and photographer. I
>have been looking for an outlet for the stills that have been taken on our
>sets. I successfully distribute the videos through various distribution
>companies. I have been looking for such an outlet with the chromes as well.
>After browsing your sites, I do say that my material will work with your themes
>that you have successfully created.
>
>I have several categories of chromes, although I do believe that the younger
>(18-24) look is what seems to be popular. I myself being 23 feel that this is
>the target age range you market to. I would be more than happy to discuss with
>you the idea of creating a "behind the scenes" area which would contain our
>shots.
>
>I would much appreciate a response to the ideas in which you may have and those
>that I have suggested.
>
>Thank you for your time and again you have done a fine work with your web
>sites.
>
>Sincerely,
>
>Scott
>
>P.S. Are you single?

Hi Scott,

I would have to say that I'm single, yes. (There is someone that I would very much enjoy dating, but I'm unsure whether or not that will work out.)

Anyway, on to the rest of your letter. I'm happy that you wrote. The system that I've been designing at The Gay Cafe makes it possible for me to add content from a variety of sources, and allow guests to purchase access rights to the material on an individual basis. It supports on-line archiving of their photos, so it isn't necessary that they save them to their own computer system. This will be an amazing benefit if the WebTV systems gain in popularity as they are not designed to store content, but rather a static device that loses its memory when you turn it off. As there are some 80 million people with television sets, I don't think that it would be a bad idea to gear up for the potential volume of new people looking to have a spot to find good photos that they won't have to search for every time they want to jump on-line and browse their collection of favorites. Also, I employ a credit/debit system of Cafe Coins, which each guest uses to exchange in for access to photos. This means that their account is paid in advance, and they aren't able to "go past their limit" if you will. They are always able to instantly purchase more coins at the site using their credit card.

I would be overly thrilled to encourage you to include your work into my site. My agreement with the other photographers and publishers that give me content is that I remit 50% of my gross revenue from the sale of their material as a royalty. The cool thing about this is that the more content you are able to put up, the more people that can purchase it, and over time, it will provide a stead stream of income as new guests discover the content for the first time. Unlike traditional print publications, you don't have to be concerned with selling a layout to a few buyers, and hope to recover your costs. Also, the concept of inventory and overhead is very different on-line versus mail order. It isn't necessary to worry about profitability when all of your images are in the form of electrons that are easily "replenished" for the next customer.

One thing to note here, is that most people on the Internet think that everything should be free. This stigma has made it challenging to stand out from other sites that scan their photos from magazines or steal them from local BBS systems. I'm trying to build a very large, easily accessible archive of licensed photos that people are able to download at an affordable cost. At present, the par value of a Cafe Coin is twenty-five cents, but as the number of photos I have to offer increases, I would like to see that number at ten cents. This low cost will encourage people to spend more time and coins at the site as they will be getting more for their dollar, and it's backed by the certainty that these are the best quality photos available from a highly respected site that operates quickly while they're on-line surfing the galleries.

I'm very hungry for some organized content, as most of what I have to work with isn't in any order at all, just a big pile of photos. I've been using (and will most likely continue to use) Kodak PhotoCD technology to scan the chromes onto disc and then convert them to JPEG files suitable for posting on the Internet. I've found this to be the lowest cost (from 50 cents to one dollar per image depending on volume) and highest quality (better than we can presently display on any monitor) available. Also, as the technology improves, it make it simpler to just go back to the discs and get a higher resolution copy rather than scanning the original chrome all over again. Looking ahead to the future a little here, rather than focusing on the range-of-the-moment.

I apologize for the delay in responding to your message, and hope that you will take some time to consider joining my team. I'll be sending you a Cafe Registration form by separate e-mail so that you can have a complimentary account to the site to look around. It's a mess at the moment, as I've been moving and restructuring for the past four months. I look forward to hearing from you,

Nathan Johansen
International Cafe, Inc.

5:51 pm - "Re: Your letter"

At 11:44 PM 2/19/97 -0500, you wrote:
>Nathan,
> Well-met and well spoken. It was an honor to read your letter. I
>appreciate your candor and the depth of your understanding. You have
>travelled far it would seem. Your comments on virtue are quite true. Do
>you distinguish between value and virtue?
>
>
>Respectfully,
>Matthew

Hi Matthew,

Yes, I do distinguish between the two.

"Value" is that which one acts to gain and keep, "virtue" is the method by which one acts to gain and keep it. I sense that you're expecting something with more depth and understanding than this, so I will continue to point out that virtue is not its own reward or an end in itself. *Life* is the reward of virtue -- and happiness is the goal and the reward of a life spent pursuing your values.

Man has a single basic choice: to think or not, and *that* is the gauge of his virtue. Moral perfection is an unbreached rationality -- not the degree of your intelligence, but the full and relentless use of your mind, not the extent of your knowledge, but the acceptance of reason as an absolute. There are three things as the supreme and ruling values in my life: Reason - Purpose - Self-esteem. Reason, as my only tool of knowledge; Purpose, as my choice of the happiness which that tool must proceed to achieve; Self-esteem, as my certainty that my mind is competent to think, and my person worthy of happiness, which means that I'm worthy of living. These three values imply and require all of my virtues, and all of these virtues pertain to the relation of existence and consciousness: rationality, independence, integrity, honesty, justice, productiveness, and pride.

While my coming out letter is a statement of my pursuit of happiness as it relates to my sexual life, it doesn't serve to establish how I strive to find happiness in everything that I do. I know that I'm not the first person to ever identify this as important. I wish to share with you the words of Pericles (c.495-429 BC), who was the Athenian leader during the early years of the Peloponnesian War. In it he praises his countrymen for their daring and their willingness to take risks of all sorts, intellectual as well as military:

We throw open our city to the world, and never by alien acts exclude
foreigners from any opportunities of learning or observing, although
the eyes of an enemy may occasionally profit by our liberality;
trusting less in system and policy than to the native spirit of our
citizens; while in education, where our rivals from their very cradles
by a painful discipline seek after manliness, at Athens we live exactly
as we please, and yet are just as ready to encounter every legitimate
danger. ...

We cultivate refinement without extravagance and knowledge without
effeminacy; wealth we employ more for use than for show, and place the
real disgrace of poverty not in owning to the fact but in declining
the struggle against it. Our public men have, besides politics,
their private affairs to attend to, and our ordinary citizens, though
occupied with the pursuits of industry, are still fair judges of public
matters; for, unlike any other nation, regarding him who takes no
part in these duties not as unambitious, but as useless, we Athenians
are able to judge at all events if we cannot originate, and, instead
of looking on discussion as a stumbling-block in the way of action
we think it an indispensable preliminary to any action at all. ...
In generosity we are equally singular, acquiring our friends by
conferring, not by requiring, favors. Yet, of course, the doer of the
favor is the firmer friend of the two, in order by continued kindness to
keep the recipient in his debt. ... It is only the Athenians, who,
fearless of consequences, confer their benefits not from calculations of
expediency, but in the confidence of liberality.

In short, I say that as a city we are the school of Hellas. ...

Thank you for your compliments on my letter and I apologize for the delay in responding to your message. Take care,

Nathan Johansen

6:21 pm - "Re: There're questions to ask!"

At 09:31 PM 2/20/97 +0800, you wrote:
>Hi! You there:
> I saw two pictures in your web site. And I like them very much! I wnat
>to buy the very two person's videos in hot action. I don't know what their
>name but I do know their pictures' triple "w" address. Here they are:
>http://www.gaycafe.com/gallery/twinks/pic25.jpg ,
>http://www.gaycafe.com/gallery/mphoto/pic16.jpg
>Did they take videos? If they did,where can I buy it? Do you sell their
>videos? What are their video's title?
>These are my questions! Sorry for that! I am so like them that I want to
>have them! I look foward them!
>Thanks!
>
>Your faithful

Hi Johnny,

I looked at both the photos, and didn't recognize either of them off the top of my head. I also spent some time flipping through the 1997 Adam Gay Video Directory to no avail. If you're a fan of video however, I suggest that you stop by your local bookstore and pick up a copy, they're about $10.95 and the latest edition is quite impressive.

It is the seventh edition and this time they concentrate on reviews, however there isn't a lack of high quality photos to help you identify the model that interests you. It is a very well organized, thorough, and valuable guide to have at your disposal.

Thank you for taking a moment to write, and I apologize for the delay in responding to your original message.

Nathan Johansen
International Cafe, Inc.

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Last updated: 12:17 MST 3/1/97
Nathan Johansen - nathan@npj.com