NPJ: /private/9702/
TRAVEL: New Orleans, LA

8:07 am - "Re: i am on an interview.."

At 09:40 PM 2/15/97 -0800, Shawn wrote:
>i was and have been honest with you.. i am on an interview..

Shawn,

I believe you dear. But it would be a *LOT* easier if I didn't also think that you're being secretive about what you're up to in life and your identity.

If I come to LA again in a few weeks, can I meet you then? Will you send the FAX that I asked for? Or would I just sit in an expensive hotel room alone?

Perhaps you can meet up with two of my on-line friends on the USC campus and say hello to them for me. One is Eric and the other is Justin -- Justin is a COMM major, so you should't have much trouble finding him. They are both very much looking forward to meeting you.

I get the impression that you ignore most of what I write anymore since you don't take the time to respond to it, so I'll bring this note to an end.

Thank you for the Valentines Day Card that you sent. I still think that cupid is a fickle whore. :)

Take Care,

Nathan

8:07 am - "Re: 1ST REAL LOOK"

At 09:57 PM 2/15/97 -0800, you wrote:
>JUST SEND ME A BILL...EVEN E-MAIL AND THE ADDRESS, I'L WRITE ACHECK AND OFF
>IT GOES. SIMPLE. WHEN WILL YOU B/IN WEST LOS ANGELES AGAIN?
>Regards........

Chris,

I don't send out bills. :) But you can complete this FORM and send it back to me. All the info you need is at the bottom.

Nathan

8:07 am - "Re: (1/8) Nathan's Coming Out Letter"

At 01:06 AM 2/16/97 -0500, you wrote:
>i would like to see the rest of this post nathan....please e-mail to me

If you have a web browser, you can read it at:

http://www.npj.com/letter/index.html

Nathan

(p.s. If you don't have a web browser, then I would be happy to e-mail you the rest.)

8:07 am - "Houston Cronicile Comics"

At 04:14 AM 2/16/97 -0500, you wrote:
>Not only do they have more comics than Phildelphia On-Line, but also you can
>download them one at a time and they do not charge you (You must register,
>though.)

Good find. :)

>Are you aware that the FCC is thinking about charging for the use of the
>Internet?

That's old news, and also incorrect. Ahh, I adore the news media ... here:

On December 24, 1996, the FCC opened a proceeding to reform the system of interstate access charges. Each long distance telephone call you make includes per-minute fees that your long distance carrier pays to the originating and terminating local telephone companies over whose facilities that call also travelled. Those fees, which are designed to recover the costs to local telephone companies for use of their facilities, are referred to as "access charges."

As part of this proceeding, the FCC sought comment on the treatment of ISP and other "enhanced service providers" that also use local telephone companies' facilities. Since the access charge system was established in 1983, enhanced service providers have been classified as "end users" rather than "carriers" for purposes of the access charge rules, and therefore they do not pay the per-minute access charges that long-distance companies pay to local telephone companies.

As part of this process, the Commission considered whether enhanced service providers, such as ISPs, should be required to pay interstate access charges. The Commission tentatively concludes that ISPs should *NOT* be subject to access charges as currently constituted.

>Safe trip home today!

Thank you. :)

8:53 am - "belate Happy Valentine"

At 09:53 AM 2/16/97 -0500, you wrote:
>Dear Nate,
> I trust you are back from *the city that never sleeps*. I played
>there two days before Mardi Gras, and know that it can be a wild place. I
>always thought it to be a nice place to visit, but never would want to live
>there.
> In any case, I hope you were able to make it home and able to have a
>nice valentine's day with Shawn. I am sure he did make you feel loved and
>needed (I just get the impression that he is that type of guy, even if he
>were in LA, and you were in CO.)
> Don't mind me, I am truly a *romantic* and enjoy people deeply in
>love have a good time.
>
>Take care,
>
>Peter

Hi Peter,

I'm still in New Orleans, but I get to go back to Denver tonight. Thank you for the $50.00 check that you sent for Shawn's friend. Please take a look at your Cafe Coin count to see my version of a "Thank You" note. :) Don't spend them all at once.

Shawn and I are doing okay. He's busy with an interview process, and we haven't had much time to talk to each other in the past week. I would like to go out to Los Angeles in early March to see him. I've been troubled by the fact that we aren't able to be with each other except over the damn e-mail and telephone, so it tends to make one edgy when you're not able to actively participate in their life as though you were right there with them -- it breeds a strange kind of doubt and a helpless sensation that you're powerless to know what's going on or how to make a difference from one day to the next. I've determined that this year cupid was a fickle whore! :) We exchanged Valentines Day cards electronically.

Take care, and enjoy that whizzbang new computer system that you purchased.

Nathan and Shawn

9:09 am - "Cafe Account Status"

At 09:55 AM 2/16/97 -0500, Peter wrote:
>
>Dear Mr. Nathan Johansen,
>
>as you can see I have ordered coins for Hadrian's Villa. As I have done so a
>problem occured and the system told me to start again.
>
>Now you have approved my creditcard two times, but I still get only 60 coins.
>Can you please correct this mistake. Thanks a lot for your help,
>
>Peter

Hi Peter,

I don't believe there is a mistake. I show that you only purchased coins *once* on Tuesday, Dec. 24 13:12:27 1996. However, ten minutes before there was a *failed* transaction for the same 60 coins.

You have only purchased 60 Cafe Coins once, and only one charge was made to your credit card for $15.00 on December 24th.

I show that since then, you have spent all but 6 of your paid coins, but you have 12 free coins remaining, giving you a total of 18 coins, which I've adjusted up to 20 for good measure. =)

Your Cafe account expires in 3 days, (which I adjusted to expire in 10 days instead) so you may wish to visit the Renew page:

http://www.gaycafe.com/renew/index.html

Thank you for taking a moment to write.

Nathan Johansen
International Cafe, Inc.

9:48 am - "Re: Houston Chronicle Comics"

At 10:47 AM 2/16/97 -0500, you wrote:
>Thanks for the clarification, which I will forward to the friend who sent out
>the alarm.
>
>Do you see any negative impact on guys like us?

Perhaps I didn't express it. There is no impact. It's a dead issue. Besides, it never effected people like us. We use the systems to send data across it, but we don't provide the access to the systems.

10:58 am - "Re: Houston Chronicle Comics"

At 11:07 AM 2/16/97 -0500, you wrote:
>Thanks.
>
>I thought that that was what you meant, but I just needed to make sure, in
>case my "informant" asked.
>
>Love ya!

Sorry for being so short in my reply.

I'm having a day where my "defense of reason" premise is under attack. I can't understand why people think that it is okay to just sit, and let things happen to you passively -- like being tied to the bottom of a river and knowing what the water will keep rushing over your head, but NOT being concerned with the fact that you cannot extract oxygen from the water in order to breathe and that "something" will just "happen" to change your situation for the better.

*shrug*

=) NPJ

11:26 am - "Interactive Coming Out Guide."

Justin,

I've been wanting to put together a kind of Interactive Coming Out Guide for people to use. What's kept me from doing it is that I've sort of come so far out, that I have forgot most of my thoughts, fears, and questions during the process. I know that I could trace through them again, so it's not a problem, I would just need to start.

The reason that I think something like this is important is to provide a kind of living system of "field notes" for people to reference. We all go through the same sorts of things -- some of them when we're younger, and others when they're 42 with three children and a wife. If it were possible to create a thorough linear reference of what kinds of things there are to address, it would give people the opportunity to plan ahead, and move through the process faster with more confidence, because they would have the certainty of following a plan that other people have followed before instead of having to discover it all on their own piece by piece. Am I making any sense? :) People would be able to identify where they are at in the process, and then be able to leave their own notes, experiences and the like for other readers. But it would be detailed and maintained in such a way that someone can be led by the hand through the entire guide, taking time to read about all the things that can and do happen, and how people handled them, tips, "If I only knew that *then*" sorts of things.

Then you get to the point that I am at, and I think you are at also. Where you are just sitting around, knowing that whatever your dreams and aspirations are, they're not as important as they used to be. There is a kind of empty outlook on where we've been (knowing that what we've done is paramount, and that it required a great act of determination -- but now that it's over, it doesn't seem to mean as much). I hope that what is left isn't just waking up every day and doing whatever we do until we die -- knowing that there will be other people, problems, and adventures crossing our path from time to time.

"A secret remains a secret until you tell someone. A fantasy is a fantasy until you realize it. My only secret is my fantasy and if I tell you then I have nothing."

That pretty much describes what happens when someone determines that they are gay, discovers the particulars of it, and then is left wondering what to do now that they are a-okay with it. So much of our life was spent focused on the "What if" possibility of just being left alone to express our love and desires without anything standing in our way (hesitation, society, unchecked ideas, and the like -- whatever it is that kept us from being happy and having what we wanted.)

It seems that so much of our aspirations ride on the thought that we'll *never* ever reach that point in life, so when we do we have lost sight of just why it is was that we wanted to be free to love and desire the things that we do in the first place. Well, perhaps we haven't forgot entirely, but at least by this point, we have either already experienced it (to some degree or several times over) and know that it is possible to us, so it isn't such a huge concern that we think about it during every waking moment of the day.

What then do we do? What's next? Keep active at a job you enjoy, make money, travel the world, volunteer your time and resources, contribute your thoughts to others ... but wait a minute, I've already done all of these things ... you mean that all there is to do is THIS all over some more??

It is lonely wherever this is in my life, and I have to wonder what challenges lay ahead. There is a self-made confidence that I am able to deal with anything that comes my way, but there isn't anything threatening anymore ... no real danger, no need to work very hard to enjoy a high standard of living ... just a lonely sensation that I finally made it through, and there isn't anyone else around to ask directions to the next point, so I wait.

Well, enough of my babbling for now. I fly back to Denver tonight. I'll stay in touch. Did you get my notes from yesterday? I was redundant (in triplicate) by sending copies of the e-mail to all of your addresses. If you would prefer that I simply send them only to the koool.com address, I will. I didn't know which one you get to read more often, so I sent it to all of them so that I was certain you got your daily dose of Nate no matter which one you checked.

Till later,

Nathan

1:13 pm - "Re: belate Happy Valentine"

At 10:12 AM 2/16/97 -0800, Shawn wrote:
>I am really glad to see that you still are helping out. re. the email that
>you sent. Though I did not think that you were, I mean .. i went to the web
>page and looked and did not see anything reguarding that anymore.
>
>I will be getting a letter back soon that I have not told you about. I have
>nominated you for an award for helping out Aids patients with your own time.
>I have sent a letter to the Directors of the Aids Healthcare Foundation
>reguarding all of the things that you have been doing. They, I guess, have
>been looking at your web page, and I also sent them letter or copies of
>letter that you have written and done to help.
>
>I think they will be letting me know soon. To what they have decided and found.
>
>I know that you will get the nomination.
>
>Thanks
>shawn

Shawn,

I'll put the post back up for a while, but I'm not going to answer any of the e-mail anymore. I'll just send it to you and you can do with it as you please.

Nathan

1:31pm - "How much *I* need YOU"

Shawn,

You know what it means to me to be happy and successful at the things that I do in life. I don't stand for anything but the best, and search it out in everything that I do.

I have good looks, a charming smile, and a captivating attitude that can fit any conversation or situation. What I need to complete this is someone to stand with me -- someone that invests *their* time and energy into me, instead of the other way around. I'm tired of giving to other people. I apologize again that I've been so critical of you lately, but you've really left me no explanation or choice to be otherwise, dear.

I need you -- the YOU that is in those photos, that is expressed when you start to talk on the phone about something that is important to you -- I don't need anything else, just that.

I hope that I can be sure that is what you are offering, because I'm just going to sit and wait until that day comes. I told you that I wasn't going to go in search for someone again, that the image you presented was exactly what I've been looking for, and if I can't be the one to enjoy it, then I don't want anything else. I'll do fine on my own. I have up till now, and I can do it for the rest of my days, although I would prefer to have it otherwise.

I'll be back in Denver after 8pm (that's 7pm California time) tonight. Please call if you are able.

Nathan

 9:50 pm - "Re: application problem"

At 03:30 PM 2/16/97 -0600, you wrote:
>While submitting my application, I was told that your system could not
>complete it due to a system error. It said to give you the number
>56746. Please let me know if you need further information in order to
>process my application for a two month membership.
>
>Thank you.
>
>Paul

Hi Paul,

Thank you for the e-mail. I was on a plane for most of the afternoon. I moved some of the data to a different server today, which caused the credit card processing system to be down for a short period of the day. If you haven't already tried to register again, please do so now.

:)

Nathan Johansen
International Cafe, Inc.

CLICK HERE
to continue.

Last updated: 6:16 MST 2/18/97
Nathan Johansen - nathan@npj.com